Stupid Cancer

You may remember a while back me mentioning that my Mom had cancer.  In fact she had inflammatory breast cancer which is a rare form of breast cancer that is really aggressive.  Last May she was given a clean bill of health and sent on her merry way back to her “normal” life; work, friends, her house, etc.

This past October we all took a trip to Disney to celebrate her awesome accomplishment of kicking cancer’s ass.  Only to find out a week later that it was back.  And that she was now considered to be terminal.

Stupid Cancer.

Just writing the words makes my heart sink all over again.  My Mom has cancer again and this time it will kill her.  And I’m supposed to find a way to be okay with it.  Which I am.  Some days.  Other days I’m not.  Other days I spend time trying to hide my tears and sadness as I wonder what I’ll do when she’s gone.  And as selfish as it sounds, she’s my “person”.  The one person I have in the whole world that has known me forever, loves my without question or conditions, and always has my back (even if I don’t always deserve it).  I used to have more of these “people,” but between cancer and heart disease those people have all moved on to the ether we call heaven.  I don’t mean to be so doom and gloom for my first post in over 6 months, but sometimes you just have to get things off your chest ya know…  And I do have other people in my life.  I have Ron, my kids, a bunch of great friends, and a brother who is awesome; but they will never be the same as my Mom.

Stupid Cancer.

So everyday I try to fill myself with her.  We have meals together, talk about politics or current events, or what stupid thing I just did while we laugh so hard that we cry; and it’s not enough.  It will never be enough.  And there’s nothing I can do about it.  She has decided to give herself some more time by doing some chemo treatments to slow the cancer down and to help with the side-effects of the cancer that was giving her pain, but the chemo itself is hard on her.  Watching her be strong through this is what motivates me to be a better version of myself each day, but I hate to see her suffer.

Stupid Cancer.

And I hate that my best friend/ favorite sounding board/ confidante/ conscience/ Mom is going to die.  I know that none of us make it out of this life alive, but still.  She’s young.  She just celebrated her birthday and finally became a senior citizen by McDonald’s senior coffee or soda qualifications.   And she might not get to see too many more birthdays.

Stupid Cancer.

The worst part of all of this is knowing that we aren’t the only people going through this.  So today I make a wish and say a prayer for all of the patients fighting this fight that today they get a break and have a day of peace.  And I will continue to pray for a cure so that no one has to go through what my Mom is going through.

Stupid Cancer.

Thanks for letting me vent today.  I will try to get back to more normal posting as my schedule allows.

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3 Comments

  1. Beautifully written. Your amazing Mom has raised an amazing daughter. Enjoy each day that you have with her, make the most of all the moments you both have together, as these will be your store of memories that will never be taken away from you. Love you all with all my heart. Maria R.

  2. Jen, you are living my past year. My mom passed away in October of that exact form of rare cancer. Soak up every minute you have and have those tough conversations with your mom about all her wants and wishes. I send my love and my prayers for a miracle. Be thankful you know what you do now and make the most of your lives, no regrets.
    Nichole ehasz

    Nichole Ehasz

  3. Jen, I want you to know that I will always be there for you. I love you with all my heart, you are like the sister that I never had. Your mom is an amazing women who is my best friend and will always have a special place in my heart that will never be replaced by anyone else.I knew that her and I had something special from the very first day that we met, we had that special connection that cannot be explained. There were a lot of times that I did not desrve her love, but she never gave up on me and I will always be there for her right up to her last day on this Earth. I love you, Brenda

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