I’m walking on sunshine

Well, not really and technically I’m sitting in sun rays coming through a window, but the lyrics of a catchy song sounded better as a title than “I’m sitting on my ass with sun coming in the nearby window.”

I’ll call the spade a spade and we can move on.  My mom is currently out of town with my younger brother and his family on vacation.  I’m excited that she’s feeling well enough to go and that all the doctors who weigh in on these things eagerly gave ehr the green light to go. However, I’m finding myself worrying.

I can’t explain why exactly, but there’s this nagging worry that she will overdo and get sick or something. I know it’s an irrational worry, because she’s al set to be in a wheelchair for safety, my brother has been briefed on her needs as far as her health conditions are concerned and she’s a grown-up. She knows her limits and she has promised to respect those limits and not overdo.

But still I worry.  Why?  Probably because deep down I’m a bit of a control freak. (Okay, maybe that’s a huge understatement at times) Mostly it’s probably because once someone tells you that your favorite person in the entire world has an unknown but definitely finite number of days left in this world, you start to worry about anything that can limit or reduce those numbered days.

So I worry that she might fall. Or catch a simple cold. Or her blood sugar will tank. Or any number of stupid things that she herself would tell me to stop worrying about. Honestly, I usually do a good job of not worrying so much about those things.  Of course that’s because she’s usually right here. I can walk downstairs and around a corner and see for myself that she’s okay.

So this week when she’s away I find myself sitting on my ass, trying to work but instead hoping and praying that she’s okay. I remember doing the same thing last year when she moved back home when they couldn’t find any other cancer cells after her rigorous treatment plan, but then I thought she was healthy.  This time knowing she’s sick makes it different I guess.

The house is too quiet. She oftentimes likes having the tv on for background noise during the day. I can’t wait until she’s home again. Then I can relax again. Which is funny since she thought I’d be more relaxed with her gone so I could work in peace as she is fond of saying. Too bad that she brings me peace!

And by the time you are reading this post, I will in fact be walking on sunshine because I’ll post this after she returns home so that she won’t read it and worry about me worrying.

Be well!

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